Not guilty for my disease
A few days ago, while I was scrolling on Facebook, a quote from Lazarev caught my eye, on the causes of the illness, and certainly not by accident.
It been a long time since i wanted to address this issue, especially because I am experiencing holistic healing since 2011, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. The disease allowed me to experience and have access to some subtle information I would not otherwise have known. My desire to heal and my prayers for guidance opened the way to a new path: the holistic healing.
The quote that caught my attention is:
“Any illness or accident which occurred in your life was caused by you.”
It is not the purpose of this article to contradict Lazarev, but I would like to expose my perspective.
Ever since my illness occurred in 2011, I thought I knew why it came about and how I can heal it by healing the cause. However, the recent experience in early 2017, the recurrence of the disease in a more advanced, serious form brought to me a new and profound awareness.
When I discovered the lump, I knew what it was. I had created this disease program a few years ago: “If I do this abortion, then I’m going get breast cancer.” The doctor carelessly waved and said, “It’s silly! Abortion does not increase the risk of breast cancer.” But my thought had already been released, accompanied by a strong emotion: hate. Hate for the man who was unable to take responsibility for his child, of his mother and his sisters who did not support me, hate for the doctor, and even hate towards my parents who did not stop me from doing the abortion.
Then I died. For the first time! When I woke up after anesthesia, I was somebody else. I buried everything and continued my life. I focused a lot on my career, because I wanted to be independent. I said I was going to have that baby when I could raise it alone, no longer dependent on a man. And I achieved what I wanted: I started to grow professionally, earned a lot of money, got an apartment, and got a car. Everything was going according to the plan, and when another man appeared in my life, I thought it was time to have that baby. But the miracle did not happen. Not for a month, two, four, nine … after a while I panicked. And then I thought: “God punished me!”
A few months later I discovered the lump and knew it was malignant. After the program materialized, I prayed much for guidance. I rediscovered God and resumed contact with Him. I thought I had attracted this disease. And I worked on the cause: I forgave all and everyone. It took me a while, but I succeeded and freed myself from this story.
The second death
Then the long line of reconstruction operations followed. I had big problems because I developed infections and my body was rejecting the implant. When Professor Lascar woke me up from anesthesia during an operation and told me that we had to give up the implant, I felt horrible. It was then when I died the second time. A young, beautiful woman with a mutilated chest. Who would like me? I cried a lot and I could only relax when Professor Lascar solemnly promised me in front of the whole team of doctors that he would fix me. I stayed like that for a year, and I tried to identify and heal the cause behind my body’s inability to support that implant. I realized that I must rediscover and accept my femininity, even without a part of it. And I worked on my femininity! It was not easy, but it was a beautiful process of self-education, overcoming some psychological thresholds, some barriers I had built myself. After that, the professor reopened me, and this time my body behaved perfectly. The teacher’s golden hands helped me fully regain my femininity.
The third death
Time passed and in early 2017, in January, I wanted to complete my experience with the disease and experiment with something else – love. I said to myself that it was a new year, a year “1” – which means a new 9-year karmic cycle, and it would be a good time to end my relationship with the disease. That’s what I asked from God! After a few days, I could not get out of bed. I had already felt tired, been walking heavy and experienced some middle back pain since November – December. But I thought it was because of the cold weather paired with my sensitivity. It never occurred to me, not a second at all, that the disease had returned. I stayed in bed until mid-February, when I couldn’t take it anymore. Meanwhile, my physical condition was gradually degrading. I couldn’t eat anymore and I was getting weaker.
I went to the hospital, walked on my own feet in the guard room, and the doctor when she saw me, was shocked and said I was an intensive care case ….In other words, that I was dying – although I didn’t and still don’t believe that. The fact is that the shock was so strong that I got out of the guard room in a stroller. They hospitalized me and then I had shock after shock: the news that my illness returned, blood transfusion, bone biopsy without anesthesia, and finally…. MRI examination, which indicated that there was a fracture risk on the backbone and, implicitly, paralysis, and that I had to go to the neurosurgeon to find out if it is an operation case.
When I got home, after all this, I was a wreck!
I died the third time! For 2 weeks I refused to move! I stood motionlessness, believing that I would prevent the fracture. My mind told me that at each step, I could collapse, my bones would disintegrate, and I would be left like a Mollusca, a pile of skin. So every step was a torment. I cried a lot, even in my sleep. It took two neurosurgeons to explain to me that I would not break myself so easily and that it was not the case. It took a famous qi-gong master to tell me that although I am physically, energetically, emotionally and mentally down, I can overcome this trial. But most of all I needed the collective prayers and good thoughts of the people, which I received abundantly after I wrote this article.
So I went again on the healing path. And my first thought was, “Why did the disease reappear?” I knew I was responsible for my illness, I knew I had attracted it. I blamed myself for every slice of pizza, for every sweet, every glass of wine and every cigarette I ever smoked. I blamed myself for my ways, for not forgiving myself, for not loving, for thinking negative thoughts about X or Z, for making fun of some people, for not following the path of God, for being in India and carrying about 20 kg on my back, on the way back. Ooooo…. How much blame I put on myself!
Although there was a small inner voice that whispered to me that I had made many changes, had quitted many things, cured and did all I could to prevent the disease from coming back.
As my inner suffering grew, I suddenly had a revelation: I was not responsible for my illness. I did not attract it. It was not my fault. And that I should not investigate the cause, but enjoy the experience, because the cause is not important, but the outcome of this experience is. And then I calmed down. I quit looking for the reasons to blame myself. I realized that the disease is just an experience and that my soul chose this to develop and learn. The soul learns by opposites.
So I do not think I’m neither punished nor guilty. You know what I believe? I am a student of a high holistic healing school! And I’m studying intensively! And I still know something deep in my soul: that my desire at the beginning of the year, to close the relationship with the disease and to experience love, will be fulfilled. Already … it’s happening!
I love you!
I’m Delia, holistic nutritionist, wellness advocate, beautiful soul and cancer survivor.